I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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