Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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