So drunk, too bad you don't want this
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
