He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
