i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
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