she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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