you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
