saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
BRING THE BAGELS
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
