Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
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Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
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seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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