Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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