so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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