Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
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Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
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You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
The power of my boobs compel you
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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