I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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