Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
