Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
