Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
