While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
