Whoa Z and x make the same sound
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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