I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
