i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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