You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
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Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
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He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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