god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
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