he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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