You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
