please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Come share oat with me in your robe
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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