i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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