new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize