i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
