I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
