i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
