i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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