i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
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We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
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Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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