my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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