Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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