she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
