i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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