No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
