life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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