Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
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