I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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