How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
