you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
