ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
