Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
