I wish life had little blips of pornography
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Randomize
