A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
