just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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