I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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