woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
