its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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