I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
