as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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