Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Randomize
