Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
